I live for the first times

It's the December holidays! My favourite time of the year. Partying, meeting up with friends for nice meals, baking, shopping (ok, not really), Partying (good Lord I'm going to miss mambo nights when I'm in europe for 6 months next year)... You get the drift. It's been a cycle of decadence and debauchery.

I.Love.December.

It'll all end after my trip to Korea though. That will be another new phase in life ---- Me in office wear. I've secured an internship so this life of debauchery will not continue. It isn't allowed to continue anyway, I'm seeing holes in my pocket appear with every swipe of the credit card, especially when I'm too inebriated to register the fact that money's going down the drain and into my liver. So. Here's to my new job, I sure hope it'll be as fulfilling as the last! It sounds like something I'd definitely want to do--- consulting. I'm hoping against hope that I'd never have to go into audit or tax. I'd be more of a liability than an asset anyway. Accounting was one of the worst choices I've made in my 21 years of existence. The choice has been made, road's been paved --- all I can do is press on.

Goodbye December! You were a helluva fun while it lasted, but it's been more like a fairytale. Especially this waking up at noon thing. Never have I done so for more than 3 mornings (afternoons?) in a row. It stops tmr.

Come to think of it, it's been a month of firsts, and I've soaked up every minute of it. Besides screwing up my body clock so consistently, my other first-time- encounters this December:

- Hiking in Singapore, and more specifically, BT Hill

- Brunch at Rider's following hiking was the perfect end. We sat at the verandah, talking about life, our goals, while me and Eugene pestered Pews to get his life back in shape. It was a perfect, perfect day, even with the rain while we hiked.

- Weed. Don't judge, it was a fantastic experience where I laughed non-stop for half an hour over something remotely unfunny. A teaser of what is to come in Amsterdam!

- Consecutive nights at the ole watering hole zoooouk. It has gotten to the point that the bartender and I have become buddies and he fills more than half of my long island jug with potent alcohol, and laughs at me when I sputter at his concoction.

- Facial. HAHA sorry, this is rather embarrassing but yes I went for my first ever facial, as coerced by Mommy dearest. Well it was goddamn painful but I got to admit, it was worth every penny and every brutal dig into my pores. My skin looked so crystal clear after the facial I couldn't stop touching it.

- Losing so much at gambling. Ok, much less pleasant than my other first-time- recounts..

- M B S! Sadly the nice room was trashed by us. I am NOT staying at that room ever.

- This point.. I don't know how to articulate it but I feel like staying away from relationships or ANYTHING remotely romantic. I have a theory-- this apprehension, this aversion, has been borne out of sheer disappointment with people who cannot identify with my dreams and aspirations. Just when I think you could be different, you turned right around to prove me wrong. Sadly. I guess all guys are the same.

Jeezus what a sombre end. It wasn't meant to kill the December mood haha. I AM still lapping up every minute of it with friends, girlfriends, family..

Last of december awaits! Adieu.

Project work induced rambles

It is that time of the year where I stare at my laptop, and think about reviving my blog because studying has driven me bonkers. Or rather project work, since it's bloody wk12/wk 13 and there's no time to study (is it freaky that I get these urges to study?! oh look at what university has done to me).

Despite all that, I think I'm at a good place in my life right now. Studies --- grades not too fantastic but hey. I'm not going to focus on that, it's only going to make me run faster and kill myself slowly in the long run just trying to keep up in this insane rat race beating myself up for every goal not achieved. Friends --- just freaking awesome hanging out with the same insane crew almost everyday in school. We've been through heartbreak, stress, fights.. I love the gang and even their +1s :) Family --- we've become even closer even with ah gong passing on. Love them so much it's insane. And I miss those in Shanghai whenever my photo memories on facebook show my their faces. Korea in Dec we shall be reunited! Work ---- so damn fulfilling, I learn so much every single time I'm there, every project teaches me something new. Both knowledge and people skills and just taking initiative. No regrets :)

And yes, the singlehood! HAHAHA. They call me lonelyhearts club president but H E Y I'm having fun in my own way. This chase never gets old, the guessing, the tricks, the random showers of concern. Mmmm. I'm so not ready to settle down yet.

Yes okay, back to doing project. And reading about tax. Hur.

Wings of change

I see a pattern - conscientious blogging, followed by sporadic updates. Mmm. I don't think anyone really reads this, but I do want to keep a record of my life.

I'm finally in my penultimate year. It's been hell of a ride this year, mainly emotionally. As I was telling Shun, I don't think my tear ducts were ever used the past 20 years of my life as much as they were put into use this year alone, bless them. Couple of times I got my faith in people completely shaken, intense quarrels with intense friends, and lastly, Ah gong's unexpected demise. It was so fast, up til today it feels surreal.

So, today's dedicated to Ah gong. I'm sorry I wasn't verypatient right at the end, I know I could have done better, and I really hate all these what-could-have-been's that run through my head because of that.

It's odd. I used to get so annoyed when you try to give me more money or food or anything, but now I feel a void in my life without someone nagging after me. Or complaining about anything that annoys him.. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I could dream (I sleep too soundly for my own good..) so that I could at least see/hear him, like my uncles tell me when they dream about him.

Ah gong doted on all of us so much. If I could learn something from him it would be generosity of heart. He was always so nice to the postman/ construction workers/ repairmen, when they came over to our house to do work he always went out of his way to offer them drinks on a hot day. Little things like that go a long way.

P/s on a light-hearted note.. At his funeral, I was horrified to see on the altar, they gave him vegetarian food and water. OH THE TRAVESTY, Ah gong did not drink water, citing "lack of taste". The doctors always marvelled how healthy he was given his terrible diet, drinks-wise, of beer and apple juice. Lol. And so, I had to explain to the monks and funeral people to Screw Propriety, and put some beer at the altar as offerings to my Ah gong. Water!?

Don’t settle for anything less than someone who loves you. Don’t love when you’re lonely, love when you’re ready. Don’t think that it happens all the time, either. Love isn’t the small scene of romance you’re exposed to as a teenager. It’s far different, far more real. Real love is hard to come by, but it comes. Maybe not for a while, but it shows up at some point. All of us are loved, but sometimes that person you want isn’t in your life yet. Don’t worry. They will be. Just stop waiting for it.

I HATE MEMORIES

they come back when I least expect it and throw me off guard

i just want CAT proj to be over, so that we don't have to be around each other and i don't have to get mind-fucked every once in awhile. i'm sick and tired of this emotional seesaw, i want to revert to the old me where i don't need ANYONE but my family + BBFFs.

i am a loser, it's been awhile since we exited from the mindfucking stage and i'm STILL getting the losing end of the game. how the hell am i supposed to get out of this..........

'YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS?

IT’S WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR NO REASON, SHIFTING UNDER THE BLANKETS AND FEELING THE HEAT OF THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU. YOU TURN AROUND AND SEE THEM IN THEIR MOST PEACEFUL, INNOCENT, AND VULNERABLE STATE. THEY BREATHE AS THOUGH THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD LAYS ON ANYONE’S SHOULDER BUT THEIR OWN. YOU SMILE AND KISS THEIR FACE GENTLY BEFORE TURNING BACK AROUND AND SOMEHOW, AN INVOLUNTARY GRIN FORMS ON YOUR FACE. JUST BEFORE YOU DRIFT OFF TO SLEEP, YOU FEEL AN ARM WRAP AROUND YOUR WAIST AND YOU KNOW IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.'

fucking miss moments like these.

day 8 of break up, don't see me getting any better. in fact i feel worse with each passing day.

having to be friends with you + see you in 2 classes + having you tell me you fucking miss me every day

HOWS THAT MAKING ME FEEL. so i skipped training, and i'm hiding at home watching stupid concubine hk dramas.