school's out! 

i don't know if i'm single or not i also don't care, hiding in hokkaido and shanghai for 3 weeks sooon. YEAY. i know i'm an escapist but at this point i don't give a shit. i don't know when i'm coming back to singapore, haven't booked a flight back.. MAY I NOT? i just need time OFF. 

friends, welcome to join me in shanghai from 18 december onwards. 

so fucking pissed at your insensitivity 

why the fuck am i getting all the shit in this week? i am barricading myself.. going to hide like a hermit at siglap til it blows over with my homieZ. takes so much to get me all riled up.. i wash my hands clean of this rut 

best fucking decision ever. there's only so much my dignity can take what you go around saying to other girls. it's one thing to be jealous, but where the fuck is the respect on a basic level. screw it this post is not even rational there's no flow. i'm out of here. 

bawled my eyes out at dinner with the boys last night, scared them shitless.. sorry boys. it's been too much to handle, not knowing what he wants not knowing where all of this is going, coupled with school shit, expectations to meet, lack of drive.. 

time to take myself seriously

love my ltb group, i find it amazing how a group of vastly different people [apart from leonard and i, we agreed that we're male and female versions of each other] can gel so well.. chemistry's a funny thing. i've only known them from since school started, yet i feel so amazingly comfortable with them. truly blessed to get them as my ltb group. lucky got leonard! 

floorball clinic was fun, tracy was a dumbass and hugged me just so i won't get the ball. cheat....! 

just what i needed to take my minds off things.. he's totally confusing me. i'm not made for relationships and all of its mind games shit. why can't people just SAY what they feel for christ's sake instead of leading me around in one big circle, forcing me to doubt this and that. kenny told me to be a man, do the right thing, dont whinge about it.. easier said than done, alwaysss 

i think i'm damn easy to please.. too damn easy 

in other words i'm a doormat. how to NOT be a doormat

I prefer to be called the Ruler of All that is Evil, but i will answer to Satan

hahahahaha fucking funny

jwei and wei shan make me happy happy people with talks over dinner about how we're going to rule the world with our conglomerate. i'm going to be the group CFO, wei shan the marketing relations, jwei the corporate lawyer for our group, nivedh to be our company doctor [don't you issue MCs all the time you bloody slacker], jia hui to be our group scientist-researcher, put all her smart brains to use, ah wah going to be the group engineer and many other posts that i can't remember.. and we'll all drive around in our bmws and lambos racing each other. 

jwei should not be left alone with his thoughts. you are a dark dark person, i am happy and shiny. LYCANTROPE ferdinand jwei. 

family bday dinner at hyatt for the 5 of us. :)

life's been a whirl.. last mambo before school + anthony's drinking night where we all k.o.ed except ME i ended up babysitter -.- + convocation +++ 

ser hua HAYDEN me. i got to get used to calling him hayden after so many yrs of hui wen! 

 

reunion with my pri sch classmate in smu, glad we're close friends now ! my resolution of keeping old friends is fulfilled. 

time for a new chapter: SCHOOL. 

Too often, the thing you want the most, is the one thing you can't have.  Desire can wreck your life.  But, as tough as wanting something can be; the people who suffer the most, are the ones who dont know what they want.

I am guilty of that. 

i think i've expressed this many times but i need to learn to be more upfront about things. more confrontational. what is wrong with me, why can't i ever say no.. ALWAYS getting myself into shit like this for no good reason. 

anyway thanks for the bday meetups, gifts and all guys and girls, truly felt the love.

. i really am insanely blessed with you all looking out for me and stuff. 

day out with the boys tanning and playing ball, then a nice quiet dinner.. miss you melissa, now i'm just one of the boys.  

the retard things that we indulge in.

hordes of tourists stop just for us, we're a national attraction boys!! yeah, i'm just the photographer, welcome to my life........ hahaha 

thanks girls and jwei for the surprise at sun with moon! i was really shocked when the waiter brought out 10 tofu cheesecakes, my favourite. <3 followed by crazy shooters and waterfalls at balaclava, then jz and i went to find the rest at velvet.. and i don't remember the rest. lol. i'm going to miss jie zhen when she goes back to france / usa, can't remember which!

good old days in victoria, pre lesson camwhoring. 

hanabi with the girls, unfortunately i only look good in THIS 1 photo with sally so that's all we get. 

this reminds me of greys:

at the end of the day when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. so this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other is usually a load of bull. so we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. no matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. and sure, sometimes close can be too close. but sometimes that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

thank goodness for friends and family for people who are my steadfast pillars of support, who shaped me to who i am today. all that i am at the core, you taught

back from asoc! group pwns my sports camp group. kai lee was in my group, YEAY had so much fun with her talking late at night. drinking night was good fun as well, made plenty of new friends. plenty of embarrassing moments during camp, stage games stupid pageant and all. all you fuckers stop commenting on my photos on facebook, not funny already!

grey's anatomy!

kai lee. 4 years more of school mate to add to our 4 years! love.

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.

[grey's season1]

back from sports camp, group was so fucking weird... unlike what i'd expect them to be. 

1. girls are unresponsive. when it comes to choosing teams there's a lot of shyness.. why in the world did you sign up for sports camp if it comes to doing sports and you start hiding in the shadows? i ended up playing a LOT and i meant a lot.. slept like a baby every single night

2. girls don't drink at ALL in the least bit, not even beer for drinking games. major killjoy.. jp told them to just KISS the beer can and was met with awkward silence from the girls go figure

3. weird guy left us for awhile and we got worried on bbq night, to walk on the beach and emo by himself when everyone was happy and satiated from a long day of amazing race and foood. and then one hour later when they played music in school he starts break dancing, jp chee and i started cracking up

4. one of the weird girls left halfway IMMEDIATELY after  a phone call to tell her that some taiwanese prettyboyidol came into town, so she went off to look for him.. o-kay i think that pretty much takes the cake, told josh and melissa and they split their sides laughing.. i really am fucking down on my luck with groups

facilitators were friendly enough, but entertaining factor, not reallllllly 

on the bright side, liked the activities much especially floorball and the LUGE, i miss gokarting in shanghai and melbourne! wicked shit, the luge was as close to gokarts as i could get. made new friends, jp and chee.. chee's a gossip girl fan too, blair FTW, jp is just damn entertaining, went to watch dark knight after camp  

please let me get a better group for asoc, smux and ftb zzz 

sports camp next week, i'm about to be sucked into the vortex otherwise known as smu. i can just about kiss my summer goodbye, after hearing all the horror stories about my future school. this summer's been nothing short of amazing, it was good while it lasted; i think we both knew how it was going to end all along.. i'm glad we ended it on a good note at the very least.. your box of photos are locked away in my cupboard til you come back, as well as your cameras.. and NOT in the box of 'consigned's ok!! 

back from bangkok with mommy. failed shopping trip, became more like intensive gym+swim for me, and intensive massages and spas for her, stuff that she says i will 

grow to like. 

mm, yummy 1st meal with my my favourite olive dips, think this was at gaysorn. 

in and out of suan lam within 15 minutes, mom here couldn't take the sweltering heat.. hehe lousy

my must haves, despite how much my mom abhors thai cuisine

good quality time with the mother indeed! 

yesterday at velvet i was giving kw, sean, bellaella the lowdown on melb. appreciate your concern guys, but all i need now is some support, i know it's hard especially because it's me we're talking about here. how do i sustain a relationship by looking at you and talking to you through a box, i myself have no idea. 

like any other rational person.. i detest doing things that i have no confidence in. what else is the point, might i ask? but then sometimes you turn that all around with reassuring words and then i feel like i'm falling for you all over again. i'm holding on to that box full of photographs that you gave me daryl. thank you for having faith in me when i have none in myself, i'll try this out for you. 

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

why can't the initial heady happy feeling last forever

back from shanghai with the bestie! days of tai-tainess, wine and cheese nights, h&m mad frenzy(s) [me :( bank account is pathetic now], pearl market, qipao making, bringing her ard to touristy spots, venturing to a china club and getting hit on by gross guys and a cute ang moh guy. WE HAD A GOOD RUN! :D of course, quality time with the aunt, uncle and cousins love love. they were so nice as to provide me with a chauffeur and accomodation. LOVE LOVE.. i miss the chauffeur a lot. haha

horseback riding at sun island, with my favourite coach who still remembered me! :D

ser hua : 'omg i need a photo with the fence' dude it was just a fence-thing. HAHA. 

brought her to the bund for a good walk and to see the orient. had dinner at the hyatt on the last night.. hell of a trip, thanks bffffff 

Allie: What happens if a car comes?
Noah: You die.
Allie: What!?
Noah: Just relax. Just trust. You need to learn how to trust.
-The Notebook

new phase in life: work

need lozenges constantly to deal with a class of 40, of which 20 are fucking noisy

need the discipline master to be leashed to my class, that'll teach them

need the guys to stop forming my entourage.. it's gross getting stalked by secondary school kids who try desperately to flirt with the teachers. ew..

day in the life of a relief teacher!

i am happy today.. we went out, laughed, talked, caught a movie like friends do. i'm just glad that we BOTH know by now what we want out of each other, and yeah we did agree that it would be a tragedy to lose our friendship. i mean, who else endures my jumping into the pool on him, consequently giving him a heart attack when he's floating about trying to get a tan, who else would go on binge-eating sprees with me.. 

sure as hell know that you're an integral part of my life, always have and always will be. from the days we spent in sec 1 and sec 2 kidding around in caraven much to the ire of whatshisname, to dating you allllll the way in sec 3 and 4 hehe we had a good run, all the bickerings and what-not, all the times i came to watch your matches and you mine. you know you have a special place in my heart, always have, always will.

in this period of flux, who, or what are my constants? 

i need to be grounded.. think of what i want out of my life and all. it shouldn't be me needing a nudge in any way, i should be actively seeking for the answer through trial and error

besides if i fall, i can count on those constants. kenny's predicament has got me thinking- if we ever dismantle our group til THAT stage i would honestly feel even more lost than i am right now. as it is it's bad enough with the impending release of results, yadayada and STILL now knowing what i want 

xmas new yr's come and gone

resolutions same as before.. less of self more of everything else

also please grant me the patience to tolerate people, be less judgmental.. i realized i lost out on some people just because i didn't give them a chance to prove themselves. instead i just condemn them as i would condemn an ugly shirt to my pile of 'consigned's

i am looking forward to 2008 though, here's looking up at me! TRAVEL, uni, and work to sponsor my travelling.. can't fucking wait !!